ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
