Already got asked if we're dating
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
