Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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