So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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