I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Houston, we have a squirter
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
