Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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