Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
