You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
