and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
