in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
