she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
