I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
