My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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