I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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