Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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