lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
