If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
