I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
