What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
