I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
