are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
