i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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