if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
