You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
