I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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