one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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