found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
