my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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