My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
