I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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