so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
