Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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