if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
