I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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