whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
