Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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