She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
