I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
