how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
