I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
