hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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