Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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