soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
3 2 1 whiskey
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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