Cold hands, warm shart.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
