I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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