Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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