Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
