Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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