That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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