i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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