i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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