I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
