at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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